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It’s been building up for weeks now – or more, if he has to admit it to himself – and the more he thinks about it, the worse he feels. He can’t seem to do anything about it either, except treat everybody else like shit. He knows he’s wrong, but everything is just so… annoying.
This mission. Oh, what a mess he makes of everything. He yells at his party members for not timing the Awakening correctly, he fumes when they don’t manage to kick the rare Chim Chim in time, he cuts them off as soon as they try to make conversation. (Of course they stop trying.)
Even kindhearted and understanding Silabus has to give up in exasperation. He says something about “going back to the @HOME to hang out with Gaspard :)” and disappears, leaving Haseo alone with Yata in the middle of the dungeon.
The two of them stare at each other.
Haseo’s shoulders drop, and he sighs.
“I should go apologize to him,” he says, and moves towards the portal. “And.. you too, Yata. I’m sorry.”
“Is there anything you want to talk about?” Yata asks awkwardly, and Haseo cringes.
Well, maybe he should. Maybe that would actually help. “Yeah…” he says slowly. “Yeah, but no offense, I think I’ll try to get a hold of Pi for that. Thanks, though.”
Pi? The hell did that come from? But sure. That might work.
Yata smiles. “Of course”, he says with that dark voice of his, and teleports out. There’s no use to continue with the mission on his own, so Haseo sighs again and logs out to check his email.
There is none.
That doesn’t improve his mood.
**
Later the same day, he steels himself, logs in, and sends a party invitation to Pi. She arrives promptly and greets him solemnly.
“Did Yata mention…?” he asks her, but Pi shakes her head.
“I haven’t talked to him today. Mention what?”
“Ah, it’s nothing,” Haseo says and scratches the back of his head. “Let’s go.”
He picks a rather easy area, ostensibly to find the next chaotic PK for the bounty hunter campaign – and there also seem to be a couple of players there who haven’t yet had Bikman’s latest flyer thrust upon them. Perfect.
Pi cocks her head questioningly when she realizes they’ll go like this, without a third member to complete the party, but she says nothing. She continues saying nothing throughout the mission, except for bursting out the occasional “Ol Repth”.
The silence is companionable rather than strained, and Haseo doesn’t break it either.
“Poison Lei Lei” is a joke, even with only the two of them. After she’s been sent on her way, Haseo and Pi quickly wipe out the remaining enemies and collect the symbol fragments.
Pi sits down just outside of the Beast temple instead of continuing in to the treasure. She pats the stone next to her, and waits for him to join her.
“So what’s wrong?” she wonders. Her uncanny way of figuring out what he thinks is one of the reasons he decided he could talk to her rather than anybody else, but it still startles him that he’s so transparent to her.
“What can I help you with?” Her left hand sneaks up to position her glasses correctly as she waits for him to begin, and she continues to fiddle with them as is her unconscious habit.
“Old hag…” he doesn’t say, because he doesn’t really think of her that way any more. It’s just his habit now – but not really the best way to start when he is earnestly looking for advice.
Instead he starts with, “About Endrance” – and then he stops again, because what about Endrance?
“Or rather”, he says, “Well, I’ve really changed my mind about how I think about him since when we first met, you know?”
That’s another false start, because what Haseo thinks about him is not the only issue here.
Pi just looks at him, saying nothing.
“Do you think he’s serious about.. all those things?” he tries.
He can’t bring himself to spell out what “those things” really are. He’ll try this from yet another angle.
“It would be nice,” he says, “to meet up offline. After all that’s happened, all the things we’ve done together in the World, and..”
..but Endrance wavers in his conviction, Haseo doesn’t tell Pi. Endrance does say he wants to meet up, but nothing ever happens and it could be that..
And Haseo has to start over again. “I trust him. I do. But you know, online is online and…”
And it’s so easy to play a role, he can’t say either, because the thought of it hurts.
The easiest thing ever, to just keep pretending to be someone you have decided to be. It’s just online. It’s just a game. Endrance is just a character, and his player might just be making the most of…
“I mean…”, Haseo says and trails off again. He doesn’t know how to continue this disjointed, rambling, stupid explanation. Half of it is still left unsaid because it is all so stupid, so he just falls silent.
He turns away from Pi, crosses his arms over his chest and stares fixedly at the portal and thinks to himself that this was a particularly bad idea. He’ll just go offline instead, and stay offline for a while, and maybe that will stop him from being both a mess and an ass.
Pi still gets it. She laughs quietly and it is not unkind.
“Didn’t you tell me he was a shut-in?”, she asks, and Haseo has to nod. Confirmed by Yata, at that, because nobody who spends that much time online can have a normal offline life.
“I don’t know for certain what he is and what he isn’t,” she says with finality, and of course he knew that already (even though he feels a sting of disappointment, like a punch to the stomach)
He still lets his arms fall down to rest a little more relaxed in his lap. It helps to hear it from someone else, somehow.
“…but don’t you think you owe it to yourself to find out?”
She isn’t half bad, this old hag. They fetch the treasure – another piece of low level light armor for Gaspard to sell off – and Haseo logs out. He has some thinking to do.
**
Haseo tells Endrance at the end of a mission. He has considered writing an email first, but quickly decided he would probably go batshit having to wait for an answer where Endrance could still have ignored to reply to that particular little question.
“Next weekend”, he says and grits his teeth. He hopes the motion doesn’t carry through to his PC.
“Mmm…?” Endrance wonders.
“If you’re not busy, that is,” Haseo amends.
“I’m free… But even if I weren’t, I’d take time for Haseo…” Endrance says dreamily.
“Oh come on, you don’t even know what I’m gonna ask,” Haseo says angrily, then tells himself to cool down.
Endrance smiles. “If it is for Haseo, it doesn’t matter what it is… I would do anything for Haseo…”
Haseo stares at the other guy and – as usual – doesn’t really know how to answer that. It could confirm either of his two theories about Endrance and the uncertainty of it all pisses him off to no end.
Because of this, his voice is sharper than he had intended it when he explains “I’m coming over to visit you. IRL. If.. that’s.. okay..?”
Haseo can hear, even through the M2D’s voice filtering, the sharp intake of breath from Endrance.
“Haseo….” he answers with a radiant smile on his face. That is a good sign, isn’t it?
Endrance makes one of his overly elaborate bows while saying one of his usual lines about their hearts being connected, or at least Haseo thinks that’s what he’s saying. His own heart is beating too loud right now and he can’t really focus on what’s happening.
They agree on the details, and if there is also an edge of hysteria to Endrance’s voice when he says he’ll mail over his home address, Haseo doesn’t want to think too much about what that means. Not yet.
**
Endrance’s mother is happy to see him. “You must be Misaki-kun,” she says, grinning like a fool, and invites him in.
“Nice to meet you,” he smiles stiffly, and hopes that Ichinose-san will see it as the sign of nervousness it is. He hands over a small box with the cake he brought as a gift for her and tries to quiet his heartbeat down.
She leads the way up to Endrance’s room and tells the closed door that “Your friend is here now” – and she relishes the word friend, he can tell that much – and that she’ll come back with food or a snack or some fruit later on. Then she leaves Haseo to stare at the door
He can’t focus on anything except the feelings of dread in the pit of his stomach. They rise with the bile at the back of his throat, and he wants to turn and run. What the hell is he doing here anyway? This is a bad idea. A really bad idea.
Then there’s no more time for thoughts; the door opens and “Wow, you’re tall!”, Haseo hears himself say, and then he curses because what the hell kind of greeting is that? But Endrance is tall, and thin, and has an unexpected mop of unruly blond hair covering half his face and he both is and isn’t exactly what Haseo had expected. Somehow, Endrance can’t really be anything else than this fair-boned stranger.
“Haseo!” Endrance gasps, as if surprised that his visitor actually arrived. A pink blush spreads on his pale, pale cheeks and he lets Haseo in.
At least the shut-in part seems to be true. He’s like a ghost. Haseo barely dares to breathe in fear that this stick-thin man will shatter.
“Nice to meet you, Kaoru-kun”, Haseo – Ryou now, he reminds himself, now that they are offline – mutters and tries to force his own awkward blush away from his cheeks.
It doesn’t really work; he can feel his face heat up even more by the added embarrassment of actually blushing in front of someone else, but Endrance – Kaoru – isn’t watching him right now anyway. He is walking around inside his room, fidgeting, moving items from one place to another and back again. His movements are awkward and almost clumsy but Ryou can still see some of Endrance’s grace underneath.
Finally he settles down in his computer chair, which leaves only the bed for Ryou. Ryou makes himself comfortable – which causes another fresh bout of blushing, but plopping down on the floor would be really weird – and lets his eyes sweep through the room.
It’s medium-sized, sparkling clean, not really what he expected – but then again he doesn’t know what he expected. Piles and piles of manga or Gundam models? Kaoru is really only interested in The World, so what use would he have for stuff like that?
Kaoru doesn’t say much more after the initial greeting, leaving an uncomfortable silence for Ryou to fill.
He tells Kaoru about his part-time job at the small convenience store, and that he doesn’t really need the money but wants something to do with his time. Then he winces, because that makes it sound like The World and his friends there aren’t enough – but Kaoru doesn’t comment on it.
He tells Kaoru about Shino, how she’s fully recovered now and doing fine – and Kaoru breathes “I’m happy to hear that…”. He tells Kaoru that he still doesn’t know exactly what happened to Ovan.
He tells Kaoru that Pi, Kuhn and Yata are planning an offline party and “it would be really cool if you’d come too. Kuhn’s inviting all the girls in his address book,” he laughs, “but I really doubt they’ll come.”
“Atoli insisted on inviting Sakaki too,” he continues with a grimace. “Apparently he lost all his memories of… well, AIDA, so he’s back to being a pompous bastard who doesn’t even know we already kicked his ass.”
Kaoru smiles, but doesn’t respond to the invitation. Ryou hadn’t really expected him to either, but he had to try.
Soon Ryou runs out of topics, because, really, how long can you keep up a conversation on your own? Unless you’re Atoli talking about kindness and world peace and Moon Tree and Sakaki, he guesses. Instead he suggests playing The World, and Kaoru jumps on the idea.
Endrance is unusually quiet while playing as well. There are none of his usual more or less risque comments. Even Alkaid, whom they invited as the third party member, points this out. Haseo tells her to kindly shut up and go kill that goblin instead, and she agrees with a boisterous laugh. He expects to have to send her an explanatory email later tonight, but that’s for later.
It’s weird hearing Endrance’s usual almost feminine lilt through the M2D and at the same time Kaoru’s real voice from just a meter away. The tones aren’t too different, but Kaoru sounds a bit more unsure, a bit more rough. The discordance between off- and online is jarring, and Ryou finds himself being distracted to the point of almost dying at one time. Endrance heals him up quickly, though, with a worried tone to his healing spells that is reflected by Kaoru as well.
The session is good, though. They manage to find a couple of monsters to fill in the Books of 1000, and Haseo maxes his scythe skill level.
**
It’s getting late, and it is time for Ryou to leave. He packs down his M2D in the laptop bag, and Kaoru follows him to the door.
As Ryou puts on his shoes, Kaoru starts speaking.
“Thank you… for coming to visit me…” he says. “I had… a really good time with Haseo… I will treasure this day… even if we never meet again like this…”
Something breaks inside of Ryou when he hears this. This is his Endrance coming through at last, and Ryou knows he has to do something now or it’ll be too late.
“I like you”, Ryou says, and is surprised himself by the words slipping out. I didn’t… I shouldn’t.. he thinks, and is prepared to just joke this away, but then he sees the look on Kaoru’s face and can’t.
Kaoru just looks at him. His eyes are very big and he looks incredibly vulnerable, as if prepared for Ryou to finish him off here and now. Ryou stares back. He doesn’t break eye contact, won’t do it until he knows.
“I really like you,” Ryou continues, “so if.. If all the things you’re saying to me online is just part of the game then… I’m sorry for spoiling that.”
“It’s okay if it’s just your character, ” he wills himself to say even though it would definitely not be. “We’re still friends. I just… needed to tell you this.”
..and then a radiant smile breaks out on Kaoru’s face before he steps forward, and lifts his hand to gently touch Ryou’s cheek, the way he always almost does but never dare to finish online.
Ryou closes his eyes. He grabs Kaoru’s hand which is still hovering shyly without touching a centimeter or two away, and presses it to his cheek. The fingers are cool to his burning skin.
He opens his eyes again, and smiles more gently than he thought himself capable of. He lets Kaoru’s hand go – it falls down to flail ineffectively at Kaoru’s side – and moves in to close the final distance between them. He takes a deep breath before he reaches up, grabs Kaoru’s shoulders, and kisses him.
It’s weird, at first, and he wonders again what the hell he’s doing. Kaoru stands perfectly still. He doesn’t push him away, but neither does he respond, and it’s.. it’s just weird.
I’m moving too fast, Ryou thinks. I’m doing it all wrong again.
Then Kaoru snaps out of his stupor and responds in kind, and all those thoughts evaporate.
He notices, somehow, how the door behind Kaoru – the kitchen door? – opens and then quickly closes again, but can’t bring himself to care.
“Next time”, Ryou says when he finally breaks away, because he seriously, really has to leave now before he misses his last train. Before he’d… do something which would definitely be moving too fast. “Next time you visit me. Give me a call.”
He doesn’t look back, but he walks away feeling revitalized. The grin on his face must light up entire blocks.